This blog post is designed to give young people the chance to explore their feelings, and offers practical steps to help them cope with addiction in the family.
Having someone in your life who misuses drugs or alcohol can be extremely tough on you. They might be difficult to talk to or might act in worrying or frightening ways. You might not know what they will do next.
You can worry that if you say anything to them about their substance misuse it might make things worse. They may start drinking more or taking more drugs. They might get angry at you; they might shout or swear.
It is understandable to find this scary. Things get ignored and things just get worse. There could be stuff happening in your home that is not healthy and not ok. You don’t feel like saying anything, because you are scared.
This blog post is designed to give young people the chance to explore their feelings, and offers practical steps to help them cope with addiction in the family.
You are not alone
When you have an addiction in your family, it can feel like you are fighting a battle all on your own.
It can feel like you are the only one going through this experience. But you are not alone. Addiction affects families of every kind, not just yours.
There are young people going through similar experiences to you right across the country. Some will go to private schools, some will go to state schools, some are in families with lots of money and others are in families with not much money at all.
There might even be people in your school who are going through what you are going through.
I know how difficult it is to talk about it. I know you can feel trapped and isolated. What I really want to say again, as I think it is so important – you are not alone.
There are people and organisations who understand what you are going through.
Why do some people become addicted?
There are many different ideas about why people misuse substances and become addicted. Some people think it’s a disease or an illness, others think it is behaviour that has been learnt.
It doesn’t matter what the addiction is; whether it’s substance misuse, gambling or something else. The effects on the family and individual are always the same.
Using alcohol and drugs might not make sense when you look at what happens to the family and the pain it causes everyone.
The truth is people don’t live their life thinking “I am going to use alcohol and drugs until I hurt all the people around me, and I lose everything.”
The adult in your life might have promised to change and not to drink alcohol or take drugs ever again only to break their promises.
When people become addicted, they tend to break promises and not to tell the truth. You can feel let down and lied to. You might not believe anything they say. All of this is unfortunately what can happen when addiction is present in a family.
You can try to make sense of it but that can be impossible and can leave you feeling frustrated confused and tired. You might be thinking that if you ‘work out’ why someone uses then you may be able to fix the problem and make things better.
I can clearly tell you and this is 100% guaranteed, it’s not your fault. Even though the person who has a substance misuse problem may have told you it was while they were drunk or using drugs.
Addiction is often a very complicated issue and is not something which you alone can fix. Often people need help and support from professionals who know how to treat addiction, in order to get better. The good news is that it is possible to get better and help and support is available when the time is right
Whilst you are dealing with a very difficult situation it is important to remember that:
You are not alone, and addiction is unfortunately affecting families all around the world
Remember it’s not the person with the addiction you dislike, it’s the way they are behaving
It is not your fault and you alone cannot fix it
It is important to keep yourself safe and well
It is normal to experience lots of different feelings when you are going through such a difficult time
It is ok to have lots of different feelings
When we are affected by someone else's alcohol or drug use or other type of addictive behaviour, we can feel all sorts of things.
It may feel like people are judging your family because of the alcohol or drug use. Feeling judged can lead to isolation, spending time on your own and not doing the things you would like to do.
For example, not inviting friends around to your home because you are worried your mum or dad are going to be drunk and this might be embarrassing.
You might avoid people just in case they ask difficult questions that might break your family up or make the problem worse.
You may feel split. You love the person who uses alcohol or drugs but also dislike them at the same time as well.
This could lead you to feeling guilty or ashamed. Feeling angry, responsible or frightened are all completely natural and normal responses to what you are going through.
It is essential that you understand that it is ok to feel. All feelings are normal, natural and ok. It’s what you do with feelings that counts.
What you might be experiencing….
In my experience night times can be hard when all sorts of feelings are around. When you are trying to go to sleep it can be more difficult to distract yourself and you start to really think about things.
In other parts of your home you may be able to hear people drinking, shouting, arguing or slamming doors.
You might find it difficult to get up in the morning if you have had a bad night’s sleep. This might mean you are late for school. You might find you are struggling with your schoolwork or you might be experiencing bullying.
You could be expected to look after you brother or sister all the time. You might feel hungry sometimes because there isn’t any food in the house.
What is really important is that whatever you are experiencing you find some ways to keep yourself safe and well.
What can you do to keep yourself safe?
There are some things you can do every day to help keep yourself safe and manage what you are feeling, which can often feel very scary and overwhelming.
When you are full of feelings and need to let them out somehow you could scream into a pillow in a safe part of your home. You could try to listen to some music or an audio book. You could write down your thoughts and feelings in a dairy to get them out of your head and help you to make sense of what is going on. Sometimes drawing pictures can help when we don’t know what words to use.
Exercise can really help us to feel better. If you are old enough and able to, you can go for a walk or a run. If it is possible, you could meet a friend in the park for a game of football or just a chat in the fresh air. If you have a garden, you can play some games outside.
It is important you find some healthy things to do which work for you.
Remember to take each day at a time. Tomorrow will be a new day, and things can change, and they can always get better.
Talk to someone you trust
Whatever you are feeling, holding your emotions in can make you feel even worse. It’s really important to talk to someone about what you are going through.
You can’t cure addiction and you can’t control it, but you can take care of yourself by talking about how you are feeling and what is going on for you and making healthy choices.
It’s important to find someone you can trust to talk to. This could be a friend a neighbour, another member of your family, a teacher at school or a counsellor.
You have a right to be safe. If you feel really scared and unsafe and are in danger or someone you know is in danger tell someone you trust or call the police.
Currently the country is going through a lockdown. This is probably making things even harder for you. Trapped at home and unable to get a release or relief.
Some of you will be really worried about the adults in in your life who have an addiction as their behaviour may be even more unreasonable and unpredictable.
Try and think about the people and numbers you can call for help and keep those close by. Focus on something you enjoy doing. Drawing, listening to music, writing, reading or exercise.
You might even need to find a safe space in your home just to keep out of the way. If in danger make the call you need to make.
Remember you are not alone. Remember all feelings are ok and it’s ok to feel. Talk to someone about what is going on – you are worth listening to.
Take care and stay safe.
This article is a combination of 3 blogs by Matt Serlin, previously published on the learning platform for Action on Addiction’s Centre for Addiction Treatment Studies (CATS)
Matt Serlin has a BA (Hons) in Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy from the University of Southampton, and a Certificate in Clinical Supervision from The Centre for Supervision and Team Development, London.
With over 25 years’ experience of working in the substance misuse field in both community and institutional settings, Matt has a special interest in family interventions, and working with children affected by parental substance misuse. A trained M-PACT practitioner, Matt teaches our students about working with families and significant others, and trains M-PACT practitioners across the UK and internationally. He is also a facilitator for Action on Addiction’s residential family programme.
We are pleased to share this inspirational discussion that took place on 1st November 2022, as part of Addiction Awareness Week.
Taking Action on Addiction's Matt Thomas writes about addiction, anxiety, and OCD.