Families Awareness Week

Lynn's Story

We know that over 5 million adults are affected by someone else's substance use or gambling. That's 1 in 10 people in Great Britain. To mark Adfam's "Families Awareness Week" Lynn S has kindly shared her brave and moving story of a family affected by addiction, and how attending support groups transformed her life.

It takes a lot of courage for a parent to pick up the phone and ask for help with one or more of their children.

I say ‘children’ because no matter how old a person may be, they are still someone’s child.

My 4 are aged between 43 and 52, and I love them all the same, and why shouldn’t I... I created half of them!  My two eldest have grown up to be quite successful in their chosen careers and to my knowledge have their own happy family lifestyles with the everyday ups and downs.

My two youngest however, both boys, who have their own individual talents, chose to take drugs. What probably started off to them as a bit of fun and mischief inevitably ended up in full blown addiction.  

For years all the drug taking went on behind my back, I had no idea. Yes I heard rumours but didn’t believe them, there was no reason for me to, I saw them both regularly or spoke on the phone and I never once saw or heard any signs of drug use, (but I had no idea of what the signs were).

And then my husband passed away and one of my boys started to ask for money.  £20 ‘s to start with, then £50’s, and it became more regular. I started to question what the money was for, even asking him if he had a problem with drugs or gambling - which he denied, and came up with all sorts of reasons for wanting the money.

As time went on the nest egg left by my husband decreased dramatically,  the demands for money came more often and the sob stories became greater. I lost count of the times he was going to have his throat cut, a gun put to his head, his hand chopped off, his legs broken.... the stories went on and on. Not only was my bank balance diminishing but so were my family and friends. No one wanted to talk to me because every time one of them phoned me I would end up in tears having been lectured about giving my boy money.  But how could I let all these horrible things happen to my son. I was his mother and I would do anything to HELP him.

My youngest boy was also into drugs but wasn’t asking me for money to fund his use. He moved in with me for a short time after having a fall out with his partner about his using. One evening he went to an NA meeting in Hull and picked up a leaflet about ‘Family and Friends of an Addict’ - a Family Support Group in Hull. He gave it to me and said “Mum, I think you should give them a call. I think you need help.”

That leaflet went into the drawer with the intention of going into the bin when I was on my own.

I tried everything I could think of to get my son off the drugs but nothing had worked, and I was rapidly running out of money.  I live in a Static caravan, a holiday home. My idea was to sell my caravan and move into my son’s flat so I could be there for him and get him off the drugs. He was addicted to drugs,  with other users sleeping on the floor doing God knows what  - but I was going to save him. I was going to be there for him and get him off these drugs once and for all, it would be that simple.

I was his Mum and Mums know what’s best.

But then came the big lockdown of March 2020. I was stuck where I was in the caravan. And the phone calls came more and more frequently. Two, three four times a day. I sometimes thought I wasn’t just paying for my son’s drugs but for every Tom, Dick and Harry he had sleeping there. I spent day after day in tears not knowing where this would lead me to. I had already pawned the jewellery my mother had left me, with no hope of getting it back. I had run out of people myself to ask to lend me money.

Then one night I told my son that I couldn’t help him anymore,  but he still begged and begged so I said “What do you want me to do -  go out onto the streets and sell my body?”  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from him.

I had to do something, I had to end this hell that both myself and my son were in. Maybe if I wasn’t around anymore he would realise what he was doing and get help for himself. I was sobbing uncontrollably and riffling through my drawers and cupboards for tablets, any tablets would do, but I found 2 Paracetamol tablets and an out of date Ibuprofen tablet. And plenty of vitamins which I’m sure would not have given me the results I was looking for but probably put me in the bathroom for a few days.

But I also found that leaflet I was supposed to put in the bin, I had left it in the drawer.

I took the Paracetamol and eventually stopped sobbing and drifted into sleep. When I woke my head seemed a bit clearer, and I remembered the leaflet in the drawer. My hands were shaking and I hadn’t a clue what I was going to say, but I still dialled the number, half of me wanting someone to answer, the other half wanting it to go to a machine -  then I could put the phone down and say to myself “Well I tried”.

To my horror it was answered; answered by my first Angel. I can’t remember much about that conversation or who I was actually talking to, but I know I was asking for someone to help my son. I was asked if I would mind getting a call from the Family Support Peer Group. She said it would be from someone called Paul and he had first-hand experience of what I was going through.

I was reluctant at first, I didn’t expect to have to explain myself to a man. I was ashamed. Ashamed I couldn’t look after my own son. He was 42 years old but I had still let him down. I had allowed him to get to this state. The whole thing was out of my control. What I didn’t know then was that it never was in my control in the first place.

Enter into my life Angel number 2.  Paul phoned me, and nearly an hour later what he was saying was making some kind of sense. That my continuously giving in to his demands for money wasn’t helping my son at all. He told me about his own son who had been in addiction and explained that nothing I could do or say would ever change my son’s addiction problem. The choice would be his. It was his life and his choice to live it as he wanted to live it and at that particular time my son’s choice was drugs.

He was more concerned about me, about my emotional state and where my mind was. He explained to me more about the Family Support Group and about having WhatsApp meetings instead of face to face meetings because of Covid Virus.

In a way that too was a blessing for me because I don’t think I would have driven the 30 minutes round trip to Hull to attend a meeting. If I’m honest, I wouldn’t have had the money for the petrol. He persuaded me to join the group. He told me I would learn valuable lessons of how a parent can cope with having a loved one in addiction and the effects that drugs and alcohol have on the brain. I would be under no pressure and I wouldn’t have to speak if I didn’t want to. I joined. Enter numerous Angels.

For several weeks I just listened, I listened to other mothers going through exactly the same as I was, and I began to feel better, more relaxed, I felt I wasn’t alone anymore. I learned about co-dependency, gas-lighting, drama triangles and lots more. I began to understand about life as an addict.

Thirteen weeks later I graduated from the course and was invited to connect online with the Family Peer Support Group.  I felt honoured and accepted the invite.  More Angels. One particular one called Gillian. I cannot thank both Paul and Gillian enough for the support they give to the Family Peer Support Group.  

It doesn’t matter how down a person is -  when you join a meeting they have this ability to pull you back up again and you go away with a smile on your face. I am truly grateful for their expertise, knowledge and their friendship. I still attend twice weekly meetings and come away better for doing so.

The Family Peer Support Group does exactly what it says on the tin: They support you whenever you need support, and not just on addiction issues, and cover anything and everything life throws at us. And nobody judges, anything said in a meeting stays in the meeting. I can say that with confidence.

Quite some time ago The Family Peer Support Group was asked to join a group from the London areas - Recovering Addicts. At first the majority feeling was ‘why would we want to sit in a group meeting with addicts?’ but then it was suggested that we join in and if it didn’t work out we wouldn’t go again.

For me this is when it all began to come together. Angels get everywhere and come in all forms!  What I learned from this group could have only come from someone who had gone through addiction. To understand what was going on in both my sons’ minds was priceless.

The whole idea of recovering from an addiction of any kind, and I include myself in this because I was addicted to trying to help my two boys, is keeping a connection with like-minded people. This is the reason I stay connected.

I lost one of my boys around 15 months ago. He passed away in the operating theatre after undergoing a repair to a stent he had to have a few years ago. This was to repair an artery severed during a road accident he had while delivering drugs to earn money to fund his own drug use.

So although I can’t say he died because he had taken drugs, the drugs have played a huge part of the reason I no longer have my boy with me. 

I pray every day that my youngest boy comes to realise there is a better life to be led and all he has to do is reach out and he can be on the road to recovery. It will be a long hard road but it will be worth it in the end and my heart will be with him every step of the way.

Lynn S